Day #3….no bueno

Well, I failed to do my mile which I was planning on doing at night. Then I only got up to 5,037 words in my story. So I’m feeling a bit like a failure right now. But honestly, I think I might need to reassess how many words I’m shooting for each day. I might be better off just doing half, the 2,500 mark. Especially now that the kids have hit the end of the school year groove where everything is happening all at once, things are getting a bit hairy schedule-wise.

But today. Today is the day I get back on track. I run like hell, write like Dickens and get all the housework done.

Like laundry.

Oh, laundry! The bane of my existence!

Whoops! I meant to post this, but didn’t, because that’s what happens when you just wander away from the computer. Anyways. I ran my mile. 13 minutes and 51 seconds…not too shabby for not running the past 4 days.
Then I worked on some jewelry…

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Made these for lunch…2014-06-04 14.58.42
Then snuggled the sweet baby girl.

So it’s been a pretty productive day.

I also made up my mind too.

Someone said I was determined. That if I wanted something I wouldn’t stop until I got it. Which is strange because I don’t seem to remember that person very well. The only thing I can think of is getting my associates degree, but that’s just a silly art degree that the negative part of my brain constantly tells me that I won’t do a single thing with it and it was a waste of time.

I decided today that the negative part of my brain wasn’t allowed to speak anymore. I also decided to just go for it. All of it. The book. The jewelry. That Arbonne business that I started last year. Everything. I’m done holding back. I can’t afford to anymore because the guilt of not finishing these things, or working hard at them, is too strong and that’s the last thing I need right now is to add more disappointment and guilt to my plate.

And, yet again, I forgot to finish and post…this mommy-brain is a doozie. Whoops. Haha.

Peace, love and mommy-brain,
~Lynnmarie

 

Day #2…

These days are flying by! I can’t seem to keep up half the time, but somehow everything manages to get done. Must be some sort of mommy magic. 

Well. I actually really got a good start on the fast draft yesterday. I ended the day with 3,458 words. I also ended the day without running a mile, so that bummed me out a bit but I’m not giving up! I’ll get that mile done today and my 5,000 words if it kills me. 

Who knows….it might. haha

I’m getting pretty excited about my story though. There’s no outline, no planning so I’m essentially flying by the seat of my pants on this, but I’m finding that it’s getting easier to get into my main character’s head and to see what she is witnessing and feeling. 

Here’s to hitting some goals today! Hopefully that mile will be under 14 minutes and my word count will exceed 8,458. 

Saaaaay whaaaaaaat?! 

Peace, love and loads of hope,
~Lynnmaire

Fast Draft

So, I joined a workshop called Fast Draft and I’m starting today. I’ve had quite a few stories bouncing around for the past year and a half and haven’t been able to finish a single one. I have these characters standing in my head, you know, like on the video games, where they’re just standing there, slightly swaying and waiting for me to pick up the controller and tell them where to go.

They’re all just staring at me!

It’s intimidating. It’s exhausting. It’s frustrating. And I, by no means, need anymore stress in my life right now, so one by one, each character’s controller will be picked up, their story written and then maybe I can close my eyes without them giving me a guilt trip.

I’m essentially writing a book in two weeks by dedicating a good chunk of my day to it and hitting my daily page counts and I’m scared to death. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll fail. Maybe it’ll suck.Maybe I’ll just give up half way though and never try again…ugh.

Anyways, not only am I committing to this, I’ve been challenging myself to run a mile every day, and beat my time from the day before. Luckily I am so out of shape (newborns can do that to you I guess, haha) that the first day I ran a mile in 17 minutes and 45 seconds.

So, lets just say that I’ve got quite the job on my hands. I mean, it only took a few days and my time is already down to 14 minutes and 34 seconds, but my ultimate goal is to run a 7 minute mile. Which is huge considering I was never much of a runner to begin with.

Those are the “things” that keep me, “me” while embracing the S.A.H.M. life. Writing it on here will help too, to keep me accountable for my goals. I’m scared. I know the keyboard and the treadmill won’t swallow me alive but it’s scary to make such great changes and huge commitments like these but the butterflies of excitement in my tummy are starting to overshadow the fear.

I. Can. Do. This!

Peace, love and challenges,
~Lynnmaire

P.S. This silly girl must sense that I have big goals to reach…she’s extra, extra playful all of a sudden. <3
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Yellow Bird

We have a lot of different kinds of birds on Cape and I’m always reminded of my Great Grandparents whenever I see a Blue Jay or a Cardinal.

I don’t know why, exactly, but they loved to bird watch and those two always seemed to make them smile.

But today was a little different. Today I saw a little yellow bird. I’ve never actually seen one in our yard before. I’ve seen them on tv, in movies, books and everywhere else except in person but the real reason why this was so special is that this time it felt like a little sign from my Grampa J.

Yesterday was an alright day. It was rough though. It could have been because I slammed my stomach into a door knob when the door suddenly jammed as I was going in. It could have been that the things I had been thinking about this past week regarding a career and finances and such just came to a boiling point in my head. There were a lot of different things that all could have come to make it an emotionally difficult day.

When I got up this morning I just felt even worse.

Why? I don’t know. I guess that just happens when you line up all those dominos for the month and one falls a little too early. Normally I can handle it, figure things out, but this on top of everything else just seemed to make the little aggravating things a lot bigger than they are.

I needed this little hug from heaven today like you wouldn’t believe.

I don’t even know how I’m feeling right now, either. I want to cry. I want to smile. I want to jump up and do everything at once but I just want to plop on the couch and do nothing.

Well, Grampa J was one hilarious and amazing Grampa. He was smart, witty, caring, loving and bit silly at exactly the right times. We would sit around the kitchen table in the mornings and have breakfast together. He would let me have little sips of his coffee off his spoon when Gramma wasn’t looking. He would also come up with little bouts of silly poems or jokes and my brothers and I would just laugh.

One in particular always makes me smile…which is why the little yellow bird this morning felt like a big ‘ol hug from him at exactly the time I needed it.

“A yellow bird, with a yellow bill, hopped upon my window sill. He cocked his shiny eye and said, ‘Wake up! You sleepy head!!”, so I took my shoe…and bashed his head.”

Besides the implied violence against the little bird, and the way this rhyme doesn’t really rhyme at the end, my brothers and I would laugh, and laugh…

….and laugh some more. It was so ridiculous. It was so silly! It was completely unexpected at the end and took us by surprise especially since he usually said these things right when we got up in the morning.

Maybe that was his way of making sure we started our days out with a laugh.

Maybe that’s what this is really about.

A little reminder from him to start my day, our day, joyfully so it sets the day up to be a good one.

Maybe that’s something I’ve forgotten as I’ve been searching for that career move and allowing all the stuff I’ve had on my mind to take over my own emotions.

Thank you Grampa J for that reminder. Thank you for your hug today. Thank you for reminding me that it’s not about what you do, where you are or how much money you make a year…it’s about starting your day around the kitchen table, giggling with your family and embracing the true gifts that you have.

God, I miss him so much.

I needed that little yellow bird today. I’m glad that I noticed him in the little tree in our garden. I thought to myself, “is that…is that a little yellow bird? I hope he’s got a little yellow bill…” and out he flies, to the top of a bush right in sight.

Guess what?

He had a little yellow bill….and he cocked his shiny eye…he flittered and shook…and flew away into the sky…

He didn’t have to tell me to wake up…just the sight of him did that for me.

Peace, love and little signs from above,
<3 Lindsay 

Scatter Brained

Lately I’ve been doing a lot of searching within myself. It felt so great to let go and forgive as I had posted about before, but then I started to obsess over my current career situation. I’ve been a server for about eight years now and it just hit me that I should be doing something else. Not so much as a “should be” but more of a “could be” which is how I ended up where I did yesterday.

Yesterday I did a google search for career options. You see, I can never really pick one specific thing that I would be happy with forever. I know all different careers come with challenges, struggles and pure moments of joy over accomplishments. I have the brain to do it. I have the heart and the work ethic but what really scares me is the idea that I may not really don’t enjoy it in the end. What if I finally decided on something and then changed my mind about it?

Well, in this google search a link to a personality test popped up. I figured why not. At this point I was so beyond frustrated with myself that I just took the ten minutes to see what it said.

I’m glad I did.

What it ended up telling me was that I’m an INFP (Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perception).

Well, at first I was a bit confused so as usual I did a bit of research and what I found made all the sense in the world to me.

I want to do something meaningful. I want to do things that will help or make other people happy. I can completely obsess over one thing on day one, then switch over and obsess over another on day two. I have a hard time finishing things and large gatherings exhaust me. I do things based on feelings and am always running whatever situation/decision/option up against my strong list of values.

I write a lot. Every day, in fact. I keep a journal just to record my thoughts, feelings and to help me work out a problem.

The other thing about this personality type was how rare it is. Apparently 4% of the population has this type of personality and a lot of the people who commented on those random sites that I researched it on had felt alone, weird and out of place.

Weird, huh?

That’s the exact same way I have felt. Like I was strange for not being able to come up with one single thing in my mind that I would like to do for a meaningful career.

Do I want to write?
Do I want to be an artist and sell my work?
How about a pattern writer?
A seamstress?
A business owner?
A teacher?

I can’t pin point it exactly. It changes on a day to day basis and it drives me nuts. I wish I could just have a plan and go to town on it but I can’t. I can’t bring myself to choose because what if I do and I find something better? What if I fail miserably at what I attempt?

I know failing isn’t the worst thing and that it’s completely necessary for success. I know that without failure you can’t learn from the experience and grow. But I also know that if I fail in one thing, or seemingly fail, or I criticize myself to pieces over it, my heart breaks a little.

Then I don’t even know where to begin with it all. I know that if I take the teaching route I’ll need to go back to school which isn’t horrible either. I love school. I just hate the burden of debt afterward. Then what if I go back to school for the teaching degree, change my mind again and then end up with all that debt and no degree to go along with it?

These are the things I think about. I look at every situation from every single angle and overanalyze it to pieces until I just can’t think about it anymore.

I thought I was alone in this and thankfully I’m not. That test did a lot to help in the process of figuring out why I do the things I do. Why I can be SO excited about a project, my book for instance, work on it for hours at a time, but once I get up I can’t bring myself to go back to it. My studio is packed full of projects that I’ve started, gotten half way thru and put away.

Maybe out of fear that I’ll mess it up after working so hard on it for so long.

Maybe it’s because I simply lost interest.

Maybe it’s even because I had a lot of different ideas going on in my mind that day and another one got the better of me while I was in the middle of another.

Can you see why I become so frustrated with myself? I can’t even type this blog post without going back and changing words to make them fit better, or because I’m doubting the word that I had used won’t get my point across the right way.

I’ve always described myself as a “procrastinating perfectionist”…it’s scary how true that really is. At least there’s a more professional term for it, a personality type for it and that 4% of people I have it in common with.

I’m glad that I’m not alone in this. That it’s just my personality type. In the meantime I’ve decided I’m going to stop obsessing over the career thing. I have a solid job for now and worrying about being 28 and not having a direct path for a career isn’t the worst thing in the world.

I have my amazing family. I have some wonderful friends. I have a good home. I have a silly dog. I have a job that’s fun to work at and it keeps me social and a little less awkward.

(Well…that whole socially awkward thing, thankfully, is also part of being an INFP, so I’ll just let it go.)

So today…now that I’ve addressed the reasons behind why I am the way I am, I’m going to enjoy my blessings around me. We’re all happy, healthy and taking care of each other in an old school, family style way.

That’s what really counts.

Maybe I’ll figure out the career thing.
Maybe it’ll just come to me.
Maybe I’ll find one where I could have the time, money and energy to be able to work on all the other paths I’ve started wandering down.
Maybe I will go back to school to become an art teacher and maybe it’ll work out fantastically because I’ll have the same schedule as the kids, I’ll have nights and weekends off, school vacations, a steady income and time to do all sorts of other things like write and such.
Maybe that’s my avenue.
Maybe that’s been my avenue all along and I just didn’t realize it, notice, was too scared to fail or change my mind or didn’t know where to even begin with it.

In either case, I cannot change these things today, not right at this second, so I’m going to put them on paper, type them out into the world and see what comes of it. For now, I’m happy with where I am (even if I am still serving after eight years, but hey, at least I’m working and making a better life for us…) with the people I have around me and even with all the unfinished projects downstairs.

Peace, love and INFP,
<3 Lindsay